I found this interesting bit of information today. It is shocking, revealing, and makes one–me at least self-reflective. While initially it applied to women, I found it could apply easily to both men and women.
Whatever the case, “just being friends” is not a viable way of relating to a man or woman you’ve been intimate with – emotionally or sexually. It is a recently-dumped female’s way of saying “I am not ready to let go,” but it is a male’s way of saying one of a few different things (or all of them):
- “Let’s keep having sex but without the commitment.”
- “I actually think it would be easier/better to move on completely by never talking to you again, but I don’t have the heart to tell you that because I care about you. I don’t expect a friendship will actually work, but saying we can try it will soften the blow.”
- “I am too much of a pussy to break up with you completely, even though I know nothing productive or emotionally healthy can come from staying in touch.” Source
It made me think of Mr. Can’t Do Right, Shad. I haven’t fully documented here all the intricacies of my relationship with Shad, but from a general reading of the posts about him, it isn’t exactly a positive thought looking back on it. I remember during a break-up, but not THE BREAK-UP, Shad saying “I care about you and really like you, but I just want to be friends” after I told him basically that you cannot have your cake and eat it too. Well when I was reading this article, I realised something terrible. I had softened from my prior firm stance and gave him cake, ice cream, soda, and cookies and let him indulge in all of them. He has basically been in the “just friends mode” for a while.
How in the fuck I went from Firm stance to soft pussy, I don’t know. It happened and no use in crying over spilled milk right?–Tangent. I originally thought that only two of these applied to me, but upon deeper inspection in 30 seconds all three apply to me. I guess deep down I kind of suspected in the beginning when we’d start the let’s just be friends conversation that these were his ulterior motives. Perhaps it’s the reason why I fought harder for what seemed an official title (Dating non-exclusively) at the time, but was just smoke and mirrors.
Well regardless, today we were forced to be in the general company of each other for a Church Celebration. He started to act so ugly and different. I decided right then and there I was over everything. I was over his arbitrarily being hot and cold. I was over feeling like I was always in a competition with his former (Well to use former it would mean that it was all in the past) lover. In my angry black women voice, I was tired of all the bullshit. Now starts the hard part. The cutting off. Absolutely no contact, especially not initiated by me. I’ve never actually had to purposely cut someone out of my life so severely. I’ve been extremely privileged to just slowly and naturally drift apart and wake up one day barely able to remember a name. Well there are first times for everything; or so I’m told. I’m taking this so seriously I am even considering giving him and anything to do with him up for lent. Well, I am also considering giving up orgasms…but that’s a post for another day.
In a world, and especially in a city, where there are often two absolute extremes, how does this sub-species of man called “Refuses to Commit” continue to survive? I think it’s because we, in our desires for emotional connections allow it. In that case, the real question is, why do we allow it?
Until Again Lovers
Gay in the A 